My man confessed on my birthday out of all days, the he had cheated on me. We've been together 6 years now....and I feel so betrayed. We have 3 month old son and he just doesn't get that I'm too damn tired to get laid. I'm the one getting up for late night feedings, diaper changes etc. He has the nerve to suggest, I at least give him head, WTF? He told me he loves me but he cheated because he has needs and feels neglected. Bullshit! If he loves me his stupid ass wouldn't have cheated....I'm about to leave him and take my son with me! He can get someone else to satisy "his needs"! What do you think? am I wrong?
Not certain of all the circumstances.....but at the very least, he confessed as oppose to you finding out from someone else or catching him. Being a new mom could be overwhelming. It doesn't justify his betrayal but for him to mention neglect of his needs, clearly there's a bigger issue here....or he's a selfish liar. If he's not.. and you realize you really don't want to leave him, when you're feeling less emotional and hormonal...discuss YOUR needs with him rationally and without yelling, "honey" catches more flies....be sweet and approachable or his reaction is destined to piss you further off. As for love, just because a man cheats doesn't mean he doesn't love you....sex isn't love. I don't condone cheating I just know that far more often it's just physical. Is he wrong for cheating? Hell Yes! Is he wrong for how he feels? No. You have to ask yourself are you doing your part, to fullfill his needs in other ways. If you want to make it work, leaving abruptly with your son, won't solve anything. If necessary agree to seek relationship therapy. More importantly, keep negative unhappy folks out of your biz....that will only be destructive.
I've been single for six years and I am tired of it. I know the problem isn't me I am goal oriented, attractive and have a great personality. The problem is the men-- it seems like all the men I meet are either admittedly bisexual or suspect. They seem okay at first and then BAM I get hit with the disturbing news. What's the deal? Is it my perfume? What am I doing wrong? Where do I go to meet attractive, successful, 100% HETEROSEXUAL men?
I doubt it if how you smell is the issue;-). Yes, unfornately there's something terribly wrong here working against single women and getting worst.... and I'm not gay bashing, it's the "straight" men who perpetrate otherwise, the "Down Low" men, that betray women and compromise their health....but regardless of whether he's gay or straight,there are are other issues at hand...finding someone compatible. Sure it's easy to be with just anyone but it's HARD to find that right person to connect with. I know you don't want to hear this, but you gotta really put yourself out there, even if it means traveling. Whatever you've been doing, STOP..it's clearly not working for you. The same routines reap the same results. Try new things, new places..be proactive! A few great places to meet men are sporting events,sports bars, laundromats (yes, single men tend to do their own laundry) barber shops and even your local Home Depot...prey in their enviroment. If you're everything you say you are, you WILL find each other eventually...but you gotta meet the moment half way and don't give up! As for the potential closet gays along the way, safe sex always...just in case!
Ok Kim - (Painting a picture) My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We have a great relationship. Great Sex life. We do a lot together. He is not into the club scene and neither am I. Homebodies a great deal of the time. We are very family oriented and are planning to get married soon. A couple of months ago his phone was on the counter and there was an email from a social website. I looked at it and discovered his account on this website. It seems he has a page, sends and receive messages from women all over the country. He has a general message he sends to the women. Basically asking them about the freakiest experience. In the message he also states he not looking for anything just convo. Some girls are turned on, some are turned off but it seems by the messages that it doesn't go further than that. Reading these messages doesn't bother me because they don't seem personal and basically I think he does it to entertain himself. What should I do? This is not a deal breaker for me but how would you handle this?
I understand your curiosity, been there myself… and I've learned it best to not go looking for anything if you're not prepared to end the relationship if you find something unforgivable. If you snoop, find things, react irrationally and stay, you’ll only become this crazy insecure mess and the trust will be destroyed. In my situation, I was ready to leave him, so I went in! lol, was I wrong for violating his privacy? Hell YES...but I was prepared to go, and I’ve never looked back. In this case, I agree...this isn't a deal breaker. Sounds just as recreational as watching porn, watching it doesn't mean you actually want to participate in orgies, lol. If he's made it clear it's just fantasy, entertainment, as you stated.....so far there's no harm. By this I'm not saying it doesn't raise an eyebrow. I'm saying, the facts are more important than what you "think" you know about this. Focus on the facts. You definitely can't question him about it because; at this point....you were wrong for looking thru his phone, sorry hun. He will use that point as a valid argument of "snooping" and betraying his trust...before you can even defend with what you've found. I've learned if I'm not prepared to handle the consequences of what I find, I'm not looking for it. Besides, you're more powerful kept quiet. Keep your ears and eyes open, make a mental note and keep it movin'. What’s done in the dark eventually comes to light on its own. In the mean time, focus on the great things you've stated about this relationship and become that super sexy "freaky" distraction he obviously craves (as long as animals aren't involved, lol)...;-)
I've been seeing this guy on and off for a few years. It's casual but he had made it clear from the beginning that he wanted to take it further. Even after all these years and though I know he is probably "doing him" the offer still remains. He is educated, reasonably attractive, ambitious and I know one day he will be a great success. Our conversations are stimulating but here is the problem-- not our sex life. We've only done it a few times and each time has been a dud. I'm talking he has no skill and we have zero chemistry. He gets defensive when this topic is brought up and I'm thinking this is a problem that will not be fixed. If I decide to get with this man, I will have to take him as is. What should I do? I've tried dating others of course, but besides that one big problem no other man even comes close to him in other areas. Is sex really that important? Or if I consider getting serious with him would I be settling and deluding myself?
The keywords here are "on and off for a few years" and "doing him"....these statements off the back, reflect an unstable relationship. Sounds more like "relations". What's good on paper and good for you are two different things. From your post name, it sounds like you're seeking something more stable and serious.....especially if building with a life partner is an ultimate goal. I myself understand that, the need to want to build with an ambitious stable partner when you feel time is running out. However, you owe it to yourself to get what you deserve....which includes that FIRE! So yes, I think you'll be settling. Some things you need from your partner are non negotiable. I call them the 3 P's, Provide, Protect and Please". Sex is very important, the deepest way to connect to a person, especially a person you want to create a family with. You should NEVER have to deny yourself great sex with the person you'd consider spending your life with. A lifetime of sexual duds isn't what you've been waiting for. That's just as bad as settling for great sex, with an a**hole. I'd suggest talking to him, letting him know what turns you on, using toys and even a Karma Sutra class....if I thought it was worth it in this situation. When it comes to chemistry, it isn't created, you either have it or you don't. If the Chemistry is great, it makes even average sex feel great. The worst part is that you said he gets defensive about the topic. If he truly wants to be with you, "taking it further", would mean taking you seriously. Doesn't matter how "educated" he is, if he's too stupid to see how amazing you are. This sounds more like a business negotiation than a stimulating relationship. Sometimes we settle for this kind of situation, because there's simply nothing better to do at the time......I understand that too, but my advice to you...is to do "Do You", keep dating and don't waste time on his possible potential, don't forget you're fabulous and deserve more! Sounds like you already know what's best for you and just needed a confirmation. Hope this helps;-)
One of my best friends is a guy. He's one of those sucker for love type that swears all of his problems in life will be solved when he finds the right woman. I attribute that to unresolved mommy issues from childhood. He's a good guy, generous, loyal but his main downfall is his obsession with women. He meets women, falls heads in heels in love with them, wines dines and spoils them and then quickly gets depressed and dejected when they don't live up to his ideal: perfection. That's the background. The current situation is that he met some woman on an internet dating site that lives in another state hours away with her nine year old daughter. They hit it off on the phone and through e-mails and she came down for a visit. She has been pressuring my friend from day one to move across country to live with her and her daughter and I find that strange. Would most women open up their home to a virtual stranger especially when they have a young daughter? I told him to slow down but he's not listening, in five days he's making the big move. Maybe I'm a pessimist but I think something must be wrong with that woman-- she seems desperate. I stay in my position. I don't say too much, offer only solicited advice and mainly just listen. He says it just me, that I'm a rarity. Most women he meets are ready to jump in the bed and over the broom on the first date. I'm like really? But what do you think? Do I need to change my dating and mating perspectives? Am I overly cautious or do you too see red flags?
I see so many Red Flags, I feel like I'm at a Nascar Race! This friend of yours has some MAJOR issues. Sounds like he's looking for a woman to replace his Mommy. I don't know what's worst, his clearly destructive relationship pattern or the scary desperate woman who is so easily willing to not only be with this stranger from the internet (Which houses MANY pedophiles).. but is willing to expose her child to him. The woman however is another story, we won't get into that since she's not your friend. You are not wrong at all and your dating perspectives are right on target. Even though he's acting like a child, I believe your friend is a grown a** man. So as a friend, you did your part in advising him. At this point you could only pray for him.....and it can't hurt to pray for the dumb chick and her innocent child too! Your friend should seek therapy.
My friend is interested in a guy. Only problem is that he is interested in me. I've been ignoring his advances, basically blowing them off and not taking them seriously. It would crush my friend to know this and since I have no intention of pursing anything with this guy, I am tempted to just keep this info to myself. I feel bad as I initially attempted to hook them up. He didn't let his intentions for me be known until after he started speaking with my friend. This is all through flirting and hints, nothing completely outright and def not anything physical. I tried to ignore the signals but truthfully they are there. My friend is really into him and he seems to like her somewhat--I'm hoping his interest me will die and they will hook up as originally planned. It looks like it's going that way, as he gets to know her he is getting more into her. Should I tell? Both her ego and self esteem are kinda fragile. If she finds out he has some interest in me it will crush any further interest in him for her due to her ego. Or should I not rock the boat and keep it to myself? For some reason when they finally do get together I feel like it'll be a match made in heaven. I know honesty is the best policy but are there ever times you should just keep information to yourself?
This is a complicated situation. Thing is, you can't go to your friend with just hearsay, unless she's a TRUE friend. Meaning, she'd believe you instead of thinking you're assuming and/or just "Hatin'" on her. Under those circumstances, she’d probably still continue on with him, which would be awkward. If she is however, a true friend, you should have a heart to heart and let her know what's been going on. If he's as so much as already speaking to her, yet expressing his interest in you....their hook up doesn't sound like a good idea. Sure you believe once they do hook up they'd be perfect for each other, but this means nothing if HE doesn’t feel that way. What if it gets deep with him and your friend and he's still interested in you? On the other hand, what if you are right?. Hmmmmm....If I were you, I'd give your friend the heads up now and whatever she decides to do from that point on is up to her..... and If I were your friend, I'd rather honesty and a bruised ego.. than a broken heart. Perhaps there are times when it's best quiet as kept, but this isn't that time.
Dear Mz Kim, I’ve been in a relationship with my man now for 6 years. He's great, sexy, financially stable, family orient, etc. Most importantly, he adores me. However, I've been spending a lot of time with his sister....and it has recently taken an interesting turn. One day a few months ago when a swung by her place to scoop her up and hit a party, she wasn’t ready so she invited me in. As I waited in the living room. She came out completely naked and asked me to "lotion" her back. I did and she turned around to kiss me...at first I pulled back, then I responded and one thing lead to the next. We've been fooling around every since. Of course my man doesn't know, but his sister is getting attached and I'm starting to fall for her too and the sex is great with both of them....but I'm still straight. I can't continue to deceive my man this way. What should I do? The truth would not only affect our relationship, but the one with his sister would be destroyed. What should I do? Should I choose one or end it with both of them? Please help!
There's no easy way to work through this. More than likely, everyone will be hurt by this, but it's better to resolve it now than later....so ultimately, everyone can move forward with their lives and be happy again. The only way I could see you getting out of this situation, is to end it completely. By that I mean, end it with both siblings. If you remain, I doubt you'd ever stop and you've already betrayed your man with his sister no matter what the outcome. If you told him and he still wanted you to be with him, you'd never be right with each other..... because not only has the trust and respect been broken, his sister will always be his sister....somehow a part of his life, complicating this. You say you're straight yet you're developing feeling for a woman you've been sleeping with for months. If you were straight, you wouldn't be emotionally torn. You should exam your sexuality and seek consultation if necessary. You owe it to yourself to be upfront about your attraction to women. It's not about being straight, gay or bisexual....it's about being honest and content about your choices. Whatever you decide,it shouldn't be based on deceit.... and it certainly shouldn't be between siblings . Your man deserves to be with a woman who's 100% certain that she wants to be with him. IF you can help it, when you come clean....perhaps you SHOULD NOT mention his sister at the risk of him might wanting to kill you both. Focus on the infidelity. Come clean with that and move forward. I'm sure there are plenty of single men/women who wouldn't mind being with you, just figure out what you want and embrace it responsibly. Hope this helps!
Been with him a year... We've had really dumb arguments and this last one had me thinking if his reactions means something more... So we are having a great day... At the end of the night we get back to his place and apparently before I left I closed his bedroom door and his cat was trapped in for a couple of hours. The cat crapped on the floor, small pebbles and before he stepped in it I warned him but couldn't help but laugh at this situation. I closed the door because his cat tends to get on the bed the clothes etc. I am not a pet person and he knows this. He has trapped his cat on occasion and just recently his mother locked the cat in her bedroom in the apt upstairs. So mad, he left me in his apt and went upstairs for a couple of hours, I ended up leaving... Next day he's ignoring my calls but replied hours later with a text. He replies that he doesn't feel like chatting.... So I didn't call back or respond. I don't plan on calling him until he contacts me. Why the hell is he being a fu*kin asshole??? The silent treatment? Really???What are your thoughts...
I had to chuckle a bit over this one. Seems your man is very sensitive about his kitty, or perhaps he needs a tampon. So you accidentally locked the cat in the bedroom, big deal! I would've cleaned up the poop and apologized just so he could stop whining about it. Then I'd tell him, the next time he wants to storm out, please take the damn cat with him. Lol..seriously, just fall back until he comes around.... then when things are back to normal, in an approachable non attacking manner....try to get to the bottom of things. Even the healthiest of relationships are quarrelsome at times....just depends on what you're conflicting about and how frequently...gotta be more to this story. Please keep me posted!
Thanks for the advice... Today he reached out thru text, funny but now I''m not in a chatty mood, go figure... He hasn't called and I'm not budging until he does. I feel if you truly love someone, you shouldn't ignore their calls no matter what, and that's what annoyed me the most... Am I wrong? At least answer the phone! This time a day without talking made me think about how he turned his back on me over something so petty. I'm sure this will not be the last time. I will admit that I didn't apologize and I didn't pick it up because of his initial reaction. This whole stupid issue has left a bad taste...
You're welcome.:-) Hmmmmm, I could understand how his initial reaction would upset you, however....sorry hun, if you never apologized or expressed any empathy, especially at the first sign of upset, you were wrong. Seems like he's acting so crazy cause he wants an apology. If he thinks you don't feel bad, he's going to continue to justifiably act a fool. I do feel you, but sometimes it's just not worth the argument. If I were you, I'd call him and if he doesn't answer again, just leave a message apologizing. If he still doesn't respond and let it go, not your problem...you did your part. Yes, he's acting like a baby...and men just want to be babied sometimes, lol. but ultimately, you just want to move forward.
I have been in a relationship for seven years, but the last two have been total hell. He has become abusive more so mentally. Recently I seen some photos of his child's mother that seemed to be especially for him, I have also recently found out that he doesn't mind meeting new women and exchanging phone numbers when hanging out with the guys. I know I can do so much better, but I don't understand why I continue to stay. We live together and I have asked him time after time to leave so I can move on with my life. He won't leave unless he causes a scene where I would have to call the police. I really don't want to call the police because it will be embarrassing, especially because of my neighbors. The last few years I have noticed that he has begun to be mentally abusive. If I question him about something (like the pictures of his child's mom), he uses his manly strength to try to intimidate me by yelling loudly and throwing things around the house and wanting to fight so I won't ask him about anything, he also says "I will smack you, beat your ass, or get someone to take care of you". I am trying to end this as peaceful as possible without all the drama, but I don't know how to. He has pushed me and shoved me around, I consider this abuse - and I don't want to be part of it, but I don't know how to get out. He can't hold a real job and I have been paying all the bills. I deserve better, I am tired and want to get out, but don't know how to without it turning out to be a really nasty situation.
This weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing's worst than a punk a** b***h, abusing a woman. Emotional abuse,is just as bad as physical. This is a monster who's self worth is destroyed......therefore, he wants to destroy yours. First thing you must do, is leave him right away. As embarrassing as it seems, you must tell a friend or family member what going on..... preferably one that can help you the most by taking you in temporary. Select the one you believe he'd least suspect you'd turn to. No best friend, ex, etc...because he may track you down. Leave your home, your job and the state if necessary, it's vital that you take heed to this. This is your life, not to be taken lightly. It's best you make these arrangements from your work phone, etc.....leave no paper trail.... plan leaving him for good from work instead of home.. Do you have a brother/uncle etc? Have him escorted by a cop to your home to retrieve the rest of your things. Get an order of protection and file a police report, anytime he as so much as looks at you wrong. Once you've moved out, you must seek some serious therapy. You must found out what is broken within you, allowing this ill behavior. Find out what's at the root of your in securities. A website to seek help or reference is http://www.ndvh.org/, the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Once you're well enough, look up a local YMCA and follow up with a self defense course. Seek self renewal and strength inside AND out! Please keep me posted, I'd like to know you're ok.
Dear Mz Kim. My man and I have been together going on a year. I love him but he has some serious trust issues, which didn't get out of hand until a few months ago. Many are with my cell phone. I can't answer it around him without him chiming in the background, "who is that?" If I'm not around and my phone rings, he answers it. The worst is whenever I'm out, he calls/texts me a million times!! I've told him how his insecurities makes me feel but he just gets defensive and storms off. When his phone rings, he usually answers it while walking off if I'm around. If we're in the car, he sends it to voicemail. When I ask what's up with that, he says "he's just trying to respect our time alone". So tell me, what should I do? WTF do you think is up???
This sounds like Cheating 101. Sounds like your man is creepin’ hun. It's text book....usually, men get very defensive and jealous when they're the ones cheating, RED FLAG. Don't spas out on him because you don't have any solid proof, you'll look crazy.....and don't go looking through his phone, etc, if you're not prepared to deal with and handle the consequences . Just keep a close eye one him and go with your gut. If he is indeed creepin'....give him the rope, eventually he'll hang himself. As for your phone, it’s your phone...put your foot down. It's simple, tell him that you expect the same respect you give him.....and it can't hurt to lock it.
Posts
My man confessed on my birthday out of all days, the he had cheated on me. We've been together 6 years now....and I feel so betrayed. We have 3 month old son and he just doesn't get that I'm too damn tired to get laid. I'm the one getting up for late night feedings, diaper changes etc. He has the nerve to suggest, I at least give him head, WTF? He told me he loves me but he cheated because he has needs and feels neglected. Bullshit! If he loves me his stupid ass wouldn't have cheated....I'm about to leave him and take my son with me! He can get someone else to satisy "his needs"! What do you think? am I wrong?
ReplyDelete@ Miss Tired of His Ass:
ReplyDeleteNot certain of all the circumstances.....but at the very least, he confessed as oppose to you finding out from someone else or catching him. Being a new mom could be overwhelming. It doesn't justify his betrayal but for him to mention neglect of his needs, clearly there's a bigger issue here....or he's a selfish liar. If he's not.. and you realize you really don't want to leave him, when you're feeling less emotional and hormonal...discuss YOUR needs with him rationally and without yelling, "honey" catches more flies....be sweet and approachable or his reaction is destined to piss you further off. As for love, just because a man cheats doesn't mean he doesn't love you....sex isn't love. I don't condone cheating I just know that far more often it's just physical. Is he wrong for cheating? Hell Yes! Is he wrong for how he feels? No. You have to ask yourself are you doing your part, to fullfill his needs in other ways. If you want to make it work, leaving abruptly with your son, won't solve anything. If necessary agree to seek relationship therapy. More importantly, keep negative unhappy folks out of your biz....that will only be destructive.
I've been single for six years and I am tired of it. I know the problem isn't me I am goal oriented, attractive and have a great personality. The problem is the men-- it seems like all the men I meet are either admittedly bisexual or suspect. They seem okay at first and then BAM I get hit with the disturbing news. What's the deal? Is it my perfume? What am I doing wrong? Where do I go to meet attractive, successful, 100% HETEROSEXUAL men?
ReplyDelete@Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI doubt it if how you smell is the issue;-). Yes, unfornately there's something terribly wrong here working against single women and getting worst.... and I'm not gay bashing, it's the "straight" men who perpetrate otherwise, the "Down Low" men, that betray women and compromise their health....but regardless of whether he's gay or straight,there are are other issues at hand...finding someone compatible. Sure it's easy to be with just anyone but it's HARD to find that right person to connect with. I know you don't want to hear this, but you gotta really put yourself out there, even if it means traveling. Whatever you've been doing, STOP..it's clearly not working for you. The same routines reap the same results. Try new things, new places..be proactive! A few great places to meet men are sporting events,sports bars, laundromats (yes, single men tend to do their own laundry) barber shops and even your local Home Depot...prey in their enviroment. If you're everything you say you are, you WILL find each other eventually...but you gotta meet the moment half way and don't give up! As for the potential closet gays along the way, safe sex always...just in case!
Good advice!
ReplyDeleteOk Kim - (Painting a picture) My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. We have a great relationship. Great Sex life. We do a lot together. He is not into the club scene and neither am I. Homebodies a great deal of the time. We are very family oriented and are planning to get married soon. A couple of months ago his phone was on the counter and there was an email from a social website. I looked at it and discovered his account on this website. It seems he has a page, sends and receive messages from women all over the country. He has a general message he sends to the women. Basically asking them about the freakiest experience. In the message he also states he not looking for anything just convo. Some girls are turned on, some are turned off but it seems by the messages that it doesn't go further than that. Reading these messages doesn't bother me because they don't seem personal and basically I think he does it to entertain himself. What should I do? This is not a deal breaker for me but how would you handle this?
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteI understand your curiosity, been there myself… and I've learned it best to not go looking for anything if you're not prepared to end the relationship if you find something unforgivable. If you snoop, find things, react irrationally and stay, you’ll only become this crazy insecure mess and the trust will be destroyed. In my situation, I was ready to leave him, so I went in! lol, was I wrong for violating his privacy? Hell YES...but I was prepared to go, and I’ve never looked back. In this case, I agree...this isn't a deal breaker. Sounds just as recreational as watching porn, watching it doesn't mean you actually want to participate in orgies, lol. If he's made it clear it's just fantasy, entertainment, as you stated.....so far there's no harm. By this I'm not saying it doesn't raise an eyebrow. I'm saying, the facts are more important than what you "think" you know about this. Focus on the facts. You definitely can't question him about it because; at this point....you were wrong for looking thru his phone, sorry hun. He will use that point as a valid argument of "snooping" and betraying his trust...before you can even defend with what you've found. I've learned if I'm not prepared to handle the consequences of what I find, I'm not looking for it. Besides, you're more powerful kept quiet. Keep your ears and eyes open, make a mental note and keep it movin'. What’s done in the dark eventually comes to light on its own. In the mean time, focus on the great things you've stated about this relationship and become that super sexy "freaky" distraction he obviously craves (as long as animals aren't involved, lol)...;-)
Dear Kim,
ReplyDeleteI've been seeing this guy on and off for a few years. It's casual but he had made it clear from the beginning that he wanted to take it further. Even after all these years and though I know he is probably "doing him" the offer still remains. He is educated, reasonably attractive, ambitious and I know one day he will be a great success. Our conversations are stimulating but here is the problem-- not our sex life. We've only done it a few times and each time has been a dud. I'm talking he has no skill and we have zero chemistry. He gets defensive when this topic is brought up and I'm thinking this is a problem that will not be fixed. If I decide to get with this man, I will have to take him as is. What should I do? I've tried dating others of course, but besides that one big problem no other man even comes close to him in other areas. Is sex really that important? Or if I consider getting serious with him would I be settling and deluding myself?
@Not Getting Any Younger
ReplyDeleteThe keywords here are "on and off for a few years" and "doing him"....these statements off the back, reflect an unstable relationship. Sounds more like "relations". What's good on paper and good for you are two different things. From your post name, it sounds like you're seeking something more stable and serious.....especially if building with a life partner is an ultimate goal. I myself understand that, the need to want to build with an ambitious stable partner when you feel time is running out. However, you owe it to yourself to get what you deserve....which includes that FIRE! So yes, I think you'll be settling. Some things you need from your partner are non negotiable. I call them the 3 P's, Provide, Protect and Please". Sex is very important, the deepest way to connect to a person, especially a person you want to create a family with. You should NEVER have to deny yourself great sex with the person you'd consider spending your life with. A lifetime of sexual duds isn't what you've been waiting for. That's just as bad as settling for great sex, with an a**hole. I'd suggest talking to him, letting him know what turns you on, using toys and even a Karma Sutra class....if I thought it was worth it in this situation. When it comes to chemistry, it isn't created, you either have it or you don't. If the Chemistry is great, it makes even average sex feel great. The worst part is that you said he gets defensive about the topic. If he truly wants to be with you, "taking it further", would mean taking you seriously. Doesn't matter how "educated" he is, if he's too stupid to see how amazing you are. This sounds more like a business negotiation than a stimulating relationship. Sometimes we settle for this kind of situation, because there's simply nothing better to do at the time......I understand that too, but my advice to you...is to do "Do You", keep dating and don't waste time on his possible potential, don't forget you're fabulous and deserve more! Sounds like you already know what's best for you and just needed a confirmation. Hope this helps;-)
Thanks Kim, your advice is RIGHT ON! I will keep my eyes and ears open. I can't wait to write in on my next problem.
ReplyDelete@Anonymous
ReplyDeleteMy pleasure, I'm nere for you!
One of my best friends is a guy. He's one of those sucker for love type that swears all of his problems in life will be solved when he finds the right woman. I attribute that to unresolved mommy issues from childhood. He's a good guy, generous, loyal but his main downfall is his obsession with women. He meets women, falls heads in heels in love with them, wines dines and spoils them and then quickly gets depressed and dejected when they don't live up to his ideal: perfection. That's the background. The current situation is that he met some woman on an internet dating site that lives in another state hours away with her nine year old daughter. They hit it off on the phone and through e-mails and she came down for a visit. She has been pressuring my friend from day one to move across country to live with her and her daughter and I find that strange. Would most women open up their home to a virtual stranger especially when they have a young daughter? I told him to slow down but he's not listening, in five days he's making the big move. Maybe I'm a pessimist but I think something must be wrong with that woman-- she seems desperate. I stay in my position. I don't say too much, offer only solicited advice and mainly just listen. He says it just me, that I'm a rarity. Most women he meets are ready to jump in the bed and over the broom on the first date. I'm like really? But what do you think? Do I need to change my dating and mating perspectives? Am I overly cautious or do you too see red flags?
ReplyDelete@This is probably none of my business but:
ReplyDeleteI see so many Red Flags, I feel like I'm at a Nascar Race! This friend of yours has some MAJOR issues. Sounds like he's looking for a woman to replace his Mommy. I don't know what's worst, his clearly destructive relationship pattern or the scary desperate woman who is so easily willing to not only be with this stranger from the internet (Which houses MANY pedophiles).. but is willing to expose her child to him. The woman however is another story, we won't get into that since she's not your friend. You are not wrong at all and your dating perspectives are right on target. Even though he's acting like a child, I believe your friend is a grown a** man. So as a friend, you did your part in advising him. At this point you could only pray for him.....and it can't hurt to pray for the dumb chick and her innocent child too! Your friend should seek therapy.
My friend is interested in a guy. Only problem is that he is interested in me. I've been ignoring his advances, basically blowing them off and not taking them seriously. It would crush my friend to know this and since I have no intention of pursing anything with this guy, I am tempted to just keep this info to myself. I feel bad as I initially attempted to hook them up. He didn't let his intentions for me be known until after he started speaking with my friend. This is all through flirting and hints, nothing completely outright and def not anything physical. I tried to ignore the signals but truthfully they are there. My friend is really into him and he seems to like her somewhat--I'm hoping his interest me will die and they will hook up as originally planned. It looks like it's going that way, as he gets to know her he is getting more into her. Should I tell? Both her ego and self esteem are kinda fragile. If she finds out he has some interest in me it will crush any further interest in him for her due to her ego. Or should I not rock the boat and keep it to myself? For some reason when they finally do get together I feel like it'll be a match made in heaven. I know honesty is the best policy but are there ever times you should just keep information to yourself?
ReplyDelete@ Reluctant Threesome:
ReplyDeleteThis is a complicated situation. Thing is, you can't go to your friend with just hearsay, unless she's a TRUE friend. Meaning, she'd believe you instead of thinking you're assuming and/or just "Hatin'" on her. Under those circumstances, she’d probably still continue on with him, which would be awkward. If she is however, a true friend, you should have a heart to heart and let her know what's been going on. If he's as so much as already speaking to her, yet expressing his interest in you....their hook up doesn't sound like a good idea. Sure you believe once they do hook up they'd be perfect for each other, but this means nothing if HE doesn’t feel that way. What if it gets deep with him and your friend and he's still interested in you? On the other hand, what if you are right?. Hmmmmm....If I were you, I'd give your friend the heads up now and whatever she decides to do from that point on is up to her..... and If I were your friend, I'd rather honesty and a bruised ego.. than a broken heart. Perhaps there are times when it's best quiet as kept, but this isn't that time.
Dear Mz Kim, I’ve been in a relationship with my man now for 6 years. He's great, sexy, financially stable, family orient, etc. Most importantly, he adores me. However, I've been spending a lot of time with his sister....and it has recently taken an interesting turn. One day a few months ago when a swung by her place to scoop her up and hit a party, she wasn’t ready so she invited me in. As I waited in the living room. She came out completely naked and asked me to "lotion" her back. I did and she turned around to kiss me...at first I pulled back, then I responded and one thing lead to the next. We've been fooling around every since. Of course my man doesn't know, but his sister is getting attached and I'm starting to fall for her too and the sex is great with both of them....but I'm still straight. I can't continue to deceive my man this way. What should I do? The truth would not only affect our relationship, but the one with his sister would be destroyed. What should I do? Should I choose one or end it with both of them? Please help!
ReplyDelete@Ms Turned Out:
ReplyDeleteThere's no easy way to work through this. More than likely, everyone will be hurt by this, but it's better to resolve it now than later....so ultimately, everyone can move forward with their lives and be happy again. The only way I could see you getting out of this situation, is to end it completely. By that I mean, end it with both siblings. If you remain, I doubt you'd ever stop and you've already betrayed your man with his sister no matter what the outcome. If you told him and he still wanted you to be with him, you'd never be right with each other..... because not only has the trust and respect been broken, his sister will always be his sister....somehow a part of his life, complicating this. You say you're straight yet you're developing feeling for a woman you've been sleeping with for months. If you were straight, you wouldn't be emotionally torn. You should exam your sexuality and seek consultation if necessary. You owe it to yourself to be upfront about your attraction to women. It's not about being straight, gay or bisexual....it's about being honest and content about your choices. Whatever you decide,it shouldn't be based on deceit.... and it certainly shouldn't be between siblings . Your man deserves to be with a woman who's 100% certain that she wants to be with him. IF you can help it, when you come clean....perhaps you SHOULD NOT mention his sister at the risk of him might wanting to kill you both. Focus on the infidelity. Come clean with that and move forward. I'm sure there are plenty of single men/women who wouldn't mind being with you, just figure out what you want and embrace it responsibly. Hope this helps!
Been with him a year... We've had really dumb arguments and this last one had me thinking if his reactions means something more... So we are having a great day... At the end of the night we get back to his place and apparently before I left I closed his bedroom door and his cat was trapped in for a couple of hours. The cat crapped on the floor, small pebbles and before he stepped in it I warned him but couldn't help but laugh at this situation. I closed the door because his cat tends to get on the bed the clothes etc. I am not a pet person and he knows this. He has trapped his cat on occasion and just recently his mother locked the cat in her bedroom in the apt upstairs. So mad, he left me in his apt and went upstairs for a couple of hours, I ended up leaving... Next day he's ignoring my calls but replied hours later with a text. He replies that he doesn't feel like chatting.... So I didn't call back or respond. I don't plan on calling him until he contacts me. Why the hell is he being a fu*kin asshole??? The silent treatment? Really???What are your thoughts...
ReplyDelete@ Petty stupid arguments:
ReplyDeleteI had to chuckle a bit over this one. Seems your man is very sensitive about his
kitty, or perhaps he needs a tampon. So you accidentally locked the cat in the bedroom, big deal! I would've cleaned up the poop and apologized just so he could stop
whining about it. Then I'd tell him, the next time he wants to storm out, please
take the damn cat with him. Lol..seriously, just fall back until he comes around....
then when things are back to normal, in an approachable non attacking manner....try to get to the bottom of things. Even the healthiest of relationships are quarrelsome at times....just depends on what you're conflicting about and how frequently...gotta be more to this story. Please keep me posted!
Thanks for the advice... Today he reached out thru text, funny but now I''m not in a chatty mood, go figure... He hasn't called and I'm not budging until he does. I feel if you truly love someone, you shouldn't ignore their calls no matter what, and that's what annoyed me the most... Am I wrong? At least answer the phone! This time a day without talking made me think about how he turned his back on me over something so petty. I'm sure this will not be the last time. I will admit that I didn't apologize and I didn't pick it up because of his initial reaction. This whole stupid issue has left a bad taste...
ReplyDelete@ Petty stupid arguments:
ReplyDeleteYou're welcome.:-) Hmmmmm, I could understand how his initial reaction would upset you, however....sorry hun, if you never apologized or expressed any empathy, especially at the first sign of upset, you were wrong. Seems like he's acting so crazy cause he wants an apology. If he thinks you don't feel bad, he's going to continue to justifiably act a fool. I do feel you, but sometimes it's just not worth the argument. If I were you, I'd call him and if he doesn't answer again, just leave a message apologizing. If he still doesn't respond and let it go, not your problem...you did your part. Yes, he's acting like a baby...and men just want to be babied sometimes, lol. but ultimately, you just want to move forward.
I have been in a relationship for seven years, but the last two have been total hell. He has become abusive more so mentally. Recently I seen some photos of his child's mother that seemed to be especially for him, I have also recently found out that he doesn't mind meeting new women and exchanging phone numbers when hanging out with the guys. I know I can do so much better, but I don't understand why I continue to stay. We live together and I have asked him time after time to leave so I can move on with my life. He won't leave unless he causes a scene where I would have to call the police. I really don't want to call the police because it will be embarrassing, especially because of my neighbors. The last few years I have noticed that he has begun to be mentally abusive. If I question him about something (like the pictures of his child's mom), he uses his manly strength to try to intimidate me by yelling loudly and throwing things around the house and wanting to fight so I won't ask him about anything, he also says "I will smack you, beat your ass, or get someone to take care of you". I am trying to end this as peaceful as possible without all the drama, but I don't know how to. He has pushed me and shoved me around, I consider this abuse - and I don't want to be part of it, but I don't know how to get out. He can't hold a real job and I have been paying all the bills. I deserve better, I am tired and want to get out, but don't know how to without it turning out to be a really nasty situation.
ReplyDelete@ Anonymous:
ReplyDeleteThis weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing's worst than a punk a** b***h, abusing a woman. Emotional abuse,is just as bad as physical.
This is a monster who's self worth is destroyed......therefore, he wants
to destroy yours. First thing you must do, is leave him right away. As embarrassing as it seems, you must tell a friend or family member what going on..... preferably one that can help you the most by taking you in temporary. Select the one you believe he'd least suspect you'd turn to. No best friend, ex, etc...because he may track you down. Leave your home, your job and the state if necessary, it's vital that you take heed to this. This is your life, not to be taken lightly. It's best you make these arrangements from your work phone, etc.....leave no paper trail.... plan leaving him for good from work instead of home.. Do you have a brother/uncle etc? Have him escorted by a cop to your home to retrieve the rest of your things. Get an order of protection and file a police report, anytime he as so much as looks at you wrong. Once you've moved out, you must seek some serious therapy. You must found out what is broken within you, allowing this ill behavior. Find out what's at the root of your in securities. A website to seek help or reference is http://www.ndvh.org/, the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Once you're well enough, look up a local YMCA and follow up with a self defense course. Seek self renewal and strength inside AND out! Please keep me posted, I'd like to know you're ok.
Dear Mz Kim. My man and I have been together going on a year. I love him but he
ReplyDeletehas some serious trust issues, which didn't get out of hand until a few months
ago. Many are with my cell phone. I can't answer it around him without him
chiming in the background, "who is that?" If I'm not around and my phone rings,
he answers it. The worst is whenever I'm out, he calls/texts me a million
times!! I've told him how his insecurities makes me feel but he just gets
defensive and storms off. When his phone rings, he usually answers it while
walking off if I'm around. If we're in the car, he sends it to voicemail. When I
ask what's up with that, he says "he's just trying to respect our time alone".
So tell me, what should I do? WTF do you think is up???
@ T. Martin:
ReplyDeleteThis sounds like Cheating 101. Sounds like your man is creepin’ hun. It's text book....usually, men get very defensive and jealous when they're the ones cheating, RED FLAG. Don't spas out on him because you don't have any solid proof, you'll look crazy.....and don't go looking through his phone, etc, if you're not prepared to deal with and handle the consequences . Just keep a close eye one him and go with your gut. If he is indeed creepin'....give him the rope, eventually he'll hang himself. As for your phone, it’s your phone...put your foot down. It's simple, tell him that you expect the same respect you give him.....and it can't hurt to lock it.